My true love

Just like a normal teenager, I have been through relationships that I would rather forget. Like those hideous childhood pictures, you would want to keep concealed in a box till the end of time. It’s not because of the fact that its embarrassing but rather filled with memories that still leaves a throbbing pain in my chest.

Falling in love was not as joyful as it seems.
To me? It was more like a tragedy.

I would never have thought that I would end up in a relationship that would leave a puddle of tears on my pillows every night, then wake up the next morning to find it dry again and act like it was nothing. It was difficult for me to pretend that I am happy every waking day when in fact my heart is bleeding. Honestly, I even had suicidal thoughts as I felt like I wasn’t being appreciated nor loved at all.

The relationship we had was not healthy.
There was no trust in the relationship, and even when he would ask for forgiveness It was easy for me to say “Yes, I forgive you” but It was so difficult for me to say “Let’s forget about it”. It’s like getting stabbed over and over again with the same wound you had last time. That’s what betrayal felt to me.

I was so consumed with the idea of him changing and that is why I never left. I was patient and my head was brimming with hopes and dreams that maybe one day he will be the person I want him to be for me.

However, this post is not about my past failures and experiences in relationships. I am writing this to tell you about how I found my “true love”. You may wonder who this lucky person may be? Before we get to that part, let me tell you how.

It was when I lost myself in the process of creating the ideal person he wanted me to be. It was when I felt like I was not being loved enough. It was when I felt all alone in a crowded room. It was when I couldn’t even love myself anymore.

I would immerse myself in the thoughts of how he lied, how he took me for granted and I would question myself “Am I not good enough?”. My mind was being poisoned with doubts and I didn’t realise that It was the devil telling me I wasn’t good enough.

But that was back then before I met him. After that, everything changed.

I learnt to love myself because he loved me first.
Despite my flaws and imperfections, he never left my side. He accepted me for who I am, and he never gave up on me even when I would push him away. He healed my broken heart and my broken life.

He is called Jesus.

He is my true love.
He will never forsake me.
He never did, and never will.

 

 

 

 

When I fell in love…

When I was just a little kid, I was so enthusiastic about falling in love. It seems like an amazing thing to think about, seeing couples walking around town hand in hand with a shining bright smile on their faces. Kissing in public like they have no care in the world. Everything about love when I was younger was so perfect and jubilant at the time. Maybe due to the fact that I was still young and naive, I didn’t fully understand what love really meant.

But now I do, and sometimes I wish that I am still that young and naive girl wearing her pigtails in her favourite pink silk dress. Love is indeed the most wonderful thing, it’s capable of making you feel different emotions. I guess I was brainwashed by my cherished Disney films. They made it seem like love is just around the corner and there is always a happy ending. But there is no such thing as happy ending unless you’re lucky.

When I fell in love. It was like receiving your first birthday gift, it was something fresh and exciting. I thought it felt really wonderful to have  someone in your life that loves and cares for you, it felt good. But then I didn’t expect that love could also hurt you as much as it brings you happiness. To the point that you would even lose your appetite with your favourite dish or how everything  seems dull to you even in a lovely weather. How ironic right? Back then Love was like a dream that I didn’t want to end but now I wish that when I go to sleep I will just wake up like it’s just one my biggest nightmares and eventually forget like it never happened.